


sleeping by myself

by bucksnatalia



Series: soviet spouses drabbles [2]
Category: Black Widow (Comics), Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: #BuckyNat Week, Abandonment, Black Widow (2014) #8, Black Widow (2015) #15, F/M, Memory Loss, Post-Black Widow Hunt, Red Room
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-03-23
Packaged: 2018-03-19 05:38:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3598437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bucksnatalia/pseuds/bucksnatalia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Wait, let me come, too!" </p>
<p>Drabble prompt for #buckynat week 2015.</p>
            </blockquote>





	sleeping by myself

Leaving has never been a problem for him. 

Here is what he knows - in the fifties when they first met, he had to leave her _every night_. Sometimes she would wake and try to stop him, coax him into climbing back into bed with her or taking her with him wherever he was going - and sometimes it worked. Sometimes she could drag him back under the covers a little while longer, run her warm hands all over his cold skin, kiss him and hold him until he had to pry himself away if he wanted to make it out of their hideaway before the sun could rise.  

He didn’t like that he had to leave her, then - but he had no choice. 

They met again and it was _her_ who had to leave _him_ in the dead of night. She’s very good at what she does - the bed never shakes when she gets up, he’s never once been jostled awake by her movement, or woken by any sort of sounds as she readies herself for another sudden mission with the Avengers. But he could _always_ feel when she had to slip away as the warmth of her body, once curled against his, faded, leaving him growing colder without her. 

She’d learned after the first few times never to wake him up for a goodbye kiss before she left - he was nearly as clingy as she had been in the Red Room, if not worse, desperate to keep her close, wrapping his arms around her waist and holding her until she couldn’t wait any longer to go. 

“ _James_ ,” she would say, “ _I can’t stay_.” 

“ _Then let me come, too,_ ” he would murmur sleepily in response, words slurring together in his exhaustion and muffled as he buries his face against her tummy. 

“ _Go back to sleep, James._ ” 

He would tip his head up, pursing his lips expectantly. “ _I love you_.” 

With a smile, she would happily oblige, giving him the kiss she’d woken him for in the first place. “ _I love you, too_.” 

Eventually, she had to switch her tactics to simply leaving him a note - his persistence was only making her _late_ \- and a simple red rose on the pillow whenever she had to sneak off while he slept. He never objected, of course. She _always_ came back, in the end, to give him his kiss... just a little late. 

Now, things are different. Now he wakes to an empty bed every morning, the space beside him cold and unslept in. That is, _assuming_ he can sleep. Without her lying beside him, sleep doesn’t come easily, and when it does his nightmares take it away from him once again. 

Maybe things would be different if he’d never left - _maybe._ But she still wouldn’t remember him, and his bed would _still_ be empty and far too cold.

So maybe _not._  

He knows that he misses her with an ache that never goes away. He knows that he’s grown colder and colder without her there to melt the ice around his heart. He knows that leaving is becoming more and more difficult every time he bumps into her. Before, it had seemed so easy - because, he’s beginning to realize, he never _truly_ left her. He _always_ came back. Just like she did when she crawled back into bed with him after another long, tiring mission with the Avengers, he _always_ returned to her, no matter what happened. 

Now, there’s really no telling when - or _if_ \- he’ll ever see her again. 

Here is what he knows - leaving has _never_ been a problem for him... but it’s starting to become one. 


End file.
